


This Is All I Want

by Snowbazzz_lyf



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Deaf Character, Deaf! Baz, Fluff, M/M, Sign Language, Simon is also pretty damn oblivious, Simon learns Sign language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-04
Updated: 2019-07-04
Packaged: 2020-06-09 14:17:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19477627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Snowbazzz_lyf/pseuds/Snowbazzz_lyf
Summary: An AU where Baz is deaf and while he communicates in sign language, Simon doesn't. So he is free to declare his love for him whenever he wishes to, right?





	This Is All I Want

**Author's Note:**

> I know. I know. You can't do non verbal magic. But let's assume that Baz can, in this AU.

**Simon**

I don't understand why I am doing this.

I mean, learning sign language to just start insulting Baz with that new insult seems like a bit too much, right? But trust me, it isn't. He is a massive prick and a right pain in the arse and so annoyingly perfect, it drives me mad. And I just want to show him that those new signs he makes at me to insult me, without me being able to understand what they mean, are not going to work anymore.

He has been my roommate for five years and while I have picked up some words and signs with us tolerating each other for so long, I am no expert in sign language. I just know the bare essentials: hello, goodbye, fuck off, you piece of shit, etc. etc. because I think our conversations just involve insults and I know enough of them to sign them at him.

I remember the first time I had tried to make a conversation with him in my first year, right after we had come to our room after the crucible had cast us together. He was in a rotten mood, and I was feeling incredibly nervous and jittery because I was in a school that taught magic and I was supposed to be the most powerful mage and I wasn't feeling powerful at all.

At that time, I had not known that Baz was deaf. I only assumed that he wasn't talking to me because he hated me. I guess I wasn't wrong but not entirely correct either

We had been sitting on our beds, across from each other and I was racking my brains to say something.

“So umm I guess we are roommates now.” I had muttered, stating the obvious.

He had scowled at me for a few moments then he had lifted his hands and signed something at me.

“What?” I had asked, stupidly. (Everything I said that year was stupid.)

He had rolled his eyes then, looking annoyed before he had huffed and got up. After searching for sometime, he bought back a notebook and a pen from his belongings and began to scribble in it, and the entire time, I had been staring at him, confused.

After a minute, he had shoved it in my face and I saw what he had written in his infuriatingly beautiful handwriting.

_I am not an expert at lip reading, unlike what the people generally think. We can either talk in sign language, or we can write. But I would prefer if you mind your own business and leave me alone._

I had blinked at it and then at him, his words and actions finally making sense, before I had hesitantly pointed at his pen, asking to borrow it, and he had handed it to me, after a moment of great reluctance. I scribbled,

_I am sorry, I didn't know. And there is really no need for you to be a prick. I will leave you alone, if that's what you want._

He had read it and rolled his eyes, before he kept his things on his table and then lay down on his bed, falling asleep a few minutes later.

I had stared at him before I lay down too. I had not expected my roommate to be such an arse. You would have thought that with him not being able to talk, he wouldn't be such a pain. But he was. He always is. The way he rolls his eyes at me, the way he sneers at me, the way he signs all those insults at me, it is all so irritating.

He can also do non verbal magic and that is incredibly rare. Most people can't do that. Penny can't do that. Even _the_ _Mage_ can't do that. But he can. Of course he can. Maybe because he was born like that, but I think it's mainly because he likes to be bloody annoying by being good at everything. He is always brilliant in academics, brilliant in football, fit as hell and he can even play a violin. If he weren't a vampire, Baz would have been bloody perfect.

Last year, Baz had signed something new to me. A sign I didn't know. We had been in the middle of an argument, because I was mad at everyone that day since Agatha had broken up with me. I had been racking up my brains to make every insulting sign I knew. In the end, I lost my cool and yelled at him, ‘I just fucking don't understand why you hate me so much.’

Baz had become good at lip reading me. I think, unwillingly, we got to spend enough time together so that he could start understanding what I usually say. He is not perfect at it (thankfully), but he can do it well enough with me.

He had stared at me, intensely, before he had lifted his hands. I understood only two signs: I, and you.

But he hadn't said, I hate you. I was sure of that. It was probably something worse. I had just flipped him off after that and stormed out of the room, feeling mad.

He had continued to make that sign at me for the rest of the year, and I was too proud to ask him or anyone else what it meant. By the time fifth year ended, I was utterly done with him. I had decided I would learn sign language and insult him properly and hopefully, have better arguments with him.

And that is exactly what I did. The entire summer, in the care home, I just went through various books on sign language, learning it. I had borrowed them and they belong to Penny, by the way. She has books on everything. So anyways, I just learnt sign language the entire summer, and I dare say, I can understand quite a bit of it now. I can even communicate through signs now. I am not perfect at it, but I am good enough to understand Baz and converse properly with him.

So that is how my sixth year will start.

I am in my room after an awfully long time and Merlin, I missed this so much. I know Baz is going to be back soon but right now, I am here alone and it's all mine. I sink into my bed, a real good bed, and inhale in the scent of it. Feathers, dust, Lavender. That acrid smell of merwolves, and just the barest hint of Cedar.

As if on a cue, the door swings open and Baz struts inside, his hair slicked back, a smirk on his face, that tosser. He sees me and smirks wider, and signs, _'you are looking very stupid today.'_

I just gnash my teeth and flip him off. I am not going to reply, I am not going to show him that I can understand what he means. Not until he makes that sign again. The one he kept on making last year.

It's almost as if he hears my thoughts because Baz makes the same sign, though there is no malice in his eyes. I am about to reply when the meaning of the sign sinks in.

His finger pointing at himself

Then his hands going over his heart.

Then him pointing his finger at me.

_I love you._

That is what he says. That is what that means. That is what he had been saying the entire fifth year. Holy shit.

Baz is looking at me and he is smirking and making that sign again.

I slowly lift up my hands, through my daze, and sign, _Are you serious?_

All the colour drains from his already pale face. His hands fall limp at his sides and he looks so shocked, it's as if I have slapped him. He definitely wasn't expecting me to learn sign language. He definitely wasn't expecting me to understand.

 _Are you serious_ , I sign again, _or is that some new stupid plot of yours?_

That propels him into action. He takes a step back and then another, before he turns around and leaves the room swiftly, and I am left standing next my bed, unable to understand what the hell did just happen.

**Baz**

Shit.

Shit shit shit.

What was I thinking? How did I not expect him to understand? I know he is thick, I know that he couldn't understand it last year but that doesn't mean that he couldn't have someone what it meant or learnt the language.

I have fucked up. I have fucked up so badly.

Snow hates me, he always had and always will. There is no doubt about that and here I am, declaring my love for him, like some fool and without giving a single thought about how risky it is. I should have known that I can't tell him how beautiful his moles and freckles are, how stunning his blue eyes are, how much I long to push my fingers through his hair.

Aleister Crowley, I am so fucked.

I can't go back now. I really can't, atleast not yet. I will just stay here, in the Catacombs, and I will probably try to seek comfort from my mother. And maybe a few rats.

My life is brilliant.

**Simon**

It's quite late at night when he returns, almost midnight. He probably wanted me to be asleep. But I don't think I can sleep. Not now. Not until I completely figure this out.

He scowls at me when he sees that I am awake but I can sense how nervous he is. He is not meeting my eyes as he moves to his closet to take out his clothes. Honestly, if he thinks he can pretend that he did not just confess his feelings this morning, then he is wrong.

He has no right to do that after messing up my own feelings. Because the entire day, I was only thinking about Baz and slowly realising that the feelings I have for him are not exactly one of hate and dislike. I think I have a crush on Baz, crazy as it might sound.

He is about to enter the bathroom when I tap his shoulder. He looks positively murderous as he turns but I am not afraid of him. I want some goddamn answers and I damn well am going to get them.

 _What did you mean by 'I love you' today?_ I sign

He is looking wary and angry and every muscle in his body is singing with tension.

 _What does one mean by that?_ He signs back after a long pause.

I am not going to say that I am not shocked that he didn't try to deny his feelings for me.

_So you love me?_

That makes him mad. I can see how the anger bursts out of him, like lava.

 _Yes_ , he signs, _yes I love you. I love your stupid face and your stupid hair and your stupid eyes and I hate that I love you because we are on the opposite sides of an oncoming war and only one of us can live. Go ahead, laugh at me. I dare you._

I don't. I don't laugh at him. I am much too shocked. He is just standing there, his face cold as hell and fury and unshed tears in his eyes. Slowly, I lift my hands and before I can change my mind, I cup his face. I can feel how the anger dissipates from him, how it's replaced by complete surprise.

I let one of my hands take his and lead him towards his bed. He sits down, and I sit next to him. There is stillness and then I lift my hands to talk to him.

_I am not going to laugh at you because believe it or not, I like this. I like you. I don't know what you want, but I want this. I want you. Yes we might be on opposite sides, but we don't have to worry about that now. We can just be together and we will deal with it later, when the time comes._

Baz is staring at me.

 _You like me? And what is_ this _? And how can we not just think about it? It's a war! A war._

I sign _,_

 _Yes, I just said that. And by_ this _, I mean not fighting. Maybe actually dating. Because why not? And what can we do, by thinking? Nothing! There is no point. Why not enjoy ourselves today? We will deal with it._

He shakes his head and then he islaughing and a moment later, I am laughing. Because this is so stupid and so perfect. This is what I wanted and didn't know that I wanted this.

When we stop laughing, Baz looks at me, and there is a genuine smile on his face.

_You can have this. I am in._

And then I lean in and kiss him.

**Baz**

I am kissing Simon Snow. And he is warm, his lips are so soft and I have never kissed anyone before but this is amazing and I love what he is doing with his chin and how perfectly our lips fit together and how his hands are in my hair and I am honestly losing my mind.

I don't know how this day ended like this. I don't understand.

But am I going to complain? Hell no.

I can have this. And this is all I want.


End file.
